Friday, May 2, 2008
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
A Prisoner With Skills
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".
Monday, April 28, 2008
Accident jokes
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Malaysian Genius Funny at NASA
NASA was getting ready to launch a very important space shuttle.
The scientists and engineers checked and double checked everything to make sure that things are fine.
However, on the day of our launch, something seemed to be wrong. The rocket gave all sorts of noise but never took off even an inch from the ground. The engineers were puzzled because they could not figure out the problem.
Finally, there was an Abdullah who offered to help. They NASA people were desperate by that time and agreed to do anything.
"Tilt the rocket 45 degrees to the right" said theMalaysian scientist. The engineers were puzzled but did it anyway.
"Bring it back to vertical position" the Abdullah said. The engineers did.
"Now start the engines" he said. And surprise, the rocket took off and flew into outer space!
Everybody congratulated him and asked him how he knew what to do. He replied - "It is very simple. This is what we always do with our scooters in Malaysia".
The scientists and engineers checked and double checked everything to make sure that things are fine.
However, on the day of our launch, something seemed to be wrong. The rocket gave all sorts of noise but never took off even an inch from the ground. The engineers were puzzled because they could not figure out the problem.
Finally, there was an Abdullah who offered to help. They NASA people were desperate by that time and agreed to do anything.
"Tilt the rocket 45 degrees to the right" said theMalaysian scientist. The engineers were puzzled but did it anyway.
"Bring it back to vertical position" the Abdullah said. The engineers did.
"Now start the engines" he said. And surprise, the rocket took off and flew into outer space!
Everybody congratulated him and asked him how he knew what to do. He replied - "It is very simple. This is what we always do with our scooters in Malaysia".
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Funny in the Train
An underwriter, an insurance agent, an old lady and a beautiful blonde find themselves together on a train. The train passes through a tunnel and in the darkness a loud slap is heard.
When out of the tunnel and in the light, they see that the insurance agent has a red five finger mark on his cheek.
The blonde is thinking: the insurance agent must have tried to grope me in the dark and mistakenly groped the old lady, so she slapped him.
The old lady is thinking: that guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him.
The insurance agent is thinking: the underwriter must have groped the blonde in the dark and she mistakenly slapped me instead of him.
The underwriter is thinking: I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap that damn insurance agent again!!!
When out of the tunnel and in the light, they see that the insurance agent has a red five finger mark on his cheek.
The blonde is thinking: the insurance agent must have tried to grope me in the dark and mistakenly groped the old lady, so she slapped him.
The old lady is thinking: that guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him.
The insurance agent is thinking: the underwriter must have groped the blonde in the dark and she mistakenly slapped me instead of him.
The underwriter is thinking: I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap that damn insurance agent again!!!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
'SINGH' JOKES
Once Zail singh was relaxing in a park. Some kids playing nearby decided to pull his leg.
Walking up to him they asked him, "Sir are you relaxing?" Zail singh replied, "No, I am Zail Singh!"
The kids started laughing wildly and ran off. This terribly confused Zail Singh and he decided to check it out.
He walked up to a guy who was relaxing on a bench near him and asked, "Are you relaxing?" The man replied, "Yes, why do you ask?" Zail Singh answered with satisfaction, "Then those kids are probably looking for you!"
Walking up to him they asked him, "Sir are you relaxing?" Zail singh replied, "No, I am Zail Singh!"
The kids started laughing wildly and ran off. This terribly confused Zail Singh and he decided to check it out.
He walked up to a guy who was relaxing on a bench near him and asked, "Are you relaxing?" The man replied, "Yes, why do you ask?" Zail Singh answered with satisfaction, "Then those kids are probably looking for you!"
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Drinking and Driving
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The "Environmental Engineering News" published some rather sobering information about punishment for drunk driving convictions in other countries.
In Australia, the names of drunk drivers are printed in newspapers under the caption, "He's drunk and in jail."
In Malaysia the driver is jailed and, if married, the spouse is jailed.
In the United Kingdom, Finland and Sweden there's an automatic jail term of one year.
In Turkey, drunk drivers are driven twenty miles out of town and forced to walk back ten miles.
In Bulgaria, a second drunk-driving conviction results in capital punishment.
In El Salvador, your first offense is your last -- execution by firing squad.
In Australia, the names of drunk drivers are printed in newspapers under the caption, "He's drunk and in jail."
In Malaysia the driver is jailed and, if married, the spouse is jailed.
In the United Kingdom, Finland and Sweden there's an automatic jail term of one year.
In Turkey, drunk drivers are driven twenty miles out of town and forced to walk back ten miles.
In Bulgaria, a second drunk-driving conviction results in capital punishment.
In El Salvador, your first offense is your last -- execution by firing squad.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
A Mental Hospital
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home.
I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.""Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home.
I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.""Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
Monday, April 21, 2008
Insurance Funny
Mr. John Johnson III, was a rich old man was dying from a rare disease. On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, doctor and preacher:"I trusted each you my entire life.
Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me."Mr. Johnson died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest.
On the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed "I must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Johnson, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others.
It's what he would have wanted."Then the preacher said: "I have to confess, I only put $10,000 on top of Mr. Johnson.
We needed that money to help more homeless, and it's what Mr. Johnson would've wanted"The insurance agent was angry at both the man, and said: "I can't believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Johnson a check for the full $30,000!"
Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me."Mr. Johnson died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest.
On the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed "I must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Johnson, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others.
It's what he would have wanted."Then the preacher said: "I have to confess, I only put $10,000 on top of Mr. Johnson.
We needed that money to help more homeless, and it's what Mr. Johnson would've wanted"The insurance agent was angry at both the man, and said: "I can't believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Johnson a check for the full $30,000!"
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Lessons In Marketing Joke
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
Little Boy's Truck & Little Girl's Garage
A little boy and girl are sitting in a sandbox when they both stand up and their pants fall off and they ask each other "what’s that?" pointing to their private parts.
They both run home and the little boy asks his father what his penis is and dad answers, "That’s your truck, try to park it in as many garages as you can.
"The little girl asks her mother the same question and her mother says, "That's your garage. Don't let any boy park his truck there.
"So the next day the little girl comes running home yelling "Mommy, mommy, a boy tried to park his truck in my garage so i knocked his wheels off!"
They both run home and the little boy asks his father what his penis is and dad answers, "That’s your truck, try to park it in as many garages as you can.
"The little girl asks her mother the same question and her mother says, "That's your garage. Don't let any boy park his truck there.
"So the next day the little girl comes running home yelling "Mommy, mommy, a boy tried to park his truck in my garage so i knocked his wheels off!"
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Paying Debt Joke
TWO lawyers are in a bank, when armed robbers suddenly burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two’s hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"To which lawyer number one replies, "It’s that $250 I owe you."
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two’s hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"To which lawyer number one replies, "It’s that $250 I owe you."
Friday, April 18, 2008
I COULD USE A LITTLE MONEY
Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply ?an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,Dad
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply ?an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,Dad
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Lawyer consultation fees
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely.""Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely.""Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
The 11 a.m Mystery
DEATHS THAT MADE EVEN TOP DOCTORS WONDER...
This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care ward wher! e Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m,regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why thedeaths took place at 11 AM.
So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.
So on the nextSunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves.what the terrible phenomenon was all about..................
Just when the clock struck 11...and then......then.....then....and then....
Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and Unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner.
This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care ward wher! e Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m,regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why thedeaths took place at 11 AM.
So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.
So on the nextSunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves.what the terrible phenomenon was all about..................
Just when the clock struck 11...and then......then.....then....and then....
Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and Unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Insurance Joke
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here 'cause my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer, "I'm here 'cause my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer pondered the engineer's plight for a moment and, looking somewhat confused, asked, "How do you start a flood?"
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer, "I'm here 'cause my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer pondered the engineer's plight for a moment and, looking somewhat confused, asked, "How do you start a flood?"
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Hot Shot
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Stolen Credit Card
A couple is at the police station reporting a missing credit card,
Wife,very mad: I'm here to report a stolen credit card, the guy who stole it its purchasing stuff left and right without our consent.
Husban: No, no its o.k honey, I'd think we better go and let this people do their jobsWife, histerical: What do you mean lets go, my credit card got stolen and you are this calm,
Police officer: Do you want to make a report? yes or no?
Husband; No officer I don't want to make any reports because the guy who stole the credit card is spending less than she is...
Wife,very mad: I'm here to report a stolen credit card, the guy who stole it its purchasing stuff left and right without our consent.
Husban: No, no its o.k honey, I'd think we better go and let this people do their jobsWife, histerical: What do you mean lets go, my credit card got stolen and you are this calm,
Police officer: Do you want to make a report? yes or no?
Husband; No officer I don't want to make any reports because the guy who stole the credit card is spending less than she is...
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Kid's Trouble
A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8- year old first in the morning with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man, with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question “Where is God?” Again., the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed “Where is God?”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!”
The boys mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8- year old first in the morning with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man, with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question “Where is God?” Again., the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed “Where is God?”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!”
Funny is a Best Medicine
When we have a problem...what is the first thing that we can do?
solve the problem...?
Funny is the BEST MEDICINE for all PROBLEMS...
solve the problem...?
Funny is the BEST MEDICINE for all PROBLEMS...
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